The Perils Of Insomnia
Sometimes, I can’t sleep. Or more accurately, sometimes Honey can’t sleep, and drags me down with him. So there we sit, in a blood-shot droopy-eyed stupor, before that flickering god, the television. And I have to ask, am I the only one who’s noticed that the most random stuff is advertised late at night?
Everything from face wash, hair accessories, and house wares to sex toys, stuff to fix your cars paint job, and that pedophile, the Slap-Chop Guy! Maybe they figure nobody in their right mind is up at that hour anyway, so they won‘t be receiving any nasty phone calls from connoisseurs of television fodder, complaining of the lack of intelligent content?
The few times my sleep-deprived self has been conscious during that witching hour of infomercials, I’ve been utterly dumbfounded at the wide array of products being peddled! Once or twice, my bleary eyes have deceived me into thinking perhaps I too cannot live without such necessities, as the equipment for Snooki hair or matching Snuggies for Cassidy and I!
The “3 easy payments” make it oh so much more tempting. Why, these benevolent individuals, are practically giving this stuff away. AND, if you order in the next 3 minutes, you get a 2nd whatchamajiggy for FREE! Some of them have a little timer in the corner of the screen, to prey on your more high-strung tendencies, by letting you know how much of your 3 minutes, is now gone forever. This means that not only do you have a life altering commitment to make, but now there’s a TIME LIMIT as well.
I mean, who doesn’t need a Made-In-China Noodle-Cooking, Toe Nail-Clipping, Coffee-Brewing, Hair-Drying-station for their counter? And you know it’s virtually indestructible; because they show a car running over it! Some paunchy guy with a beer gut, has supposedly had his for well over 10 years, and it’s still as good as the day he bought it.
And there’s an undeniable sincerity about Slap-Chop-Sham-Wow-Guy that says “Trust me, I help old ladies across the street and save puppies!”
Thus far, I am proud to say, I have resisted the sirens call of random junk! The moral of the story being, if you can’t sleep, try shutting off the TV and kicking it old school, with warm milk and cookies (homemade of course). The mental (not to mention financial) trauma is greatly reduced. And besides, the weather is warming up already, so matching Snuggies just wouldn’t be practical.